Dream, Dream, Dream...And I want you

So much has happened, and my life feels like a whirlwind. It's like my dreams have become reality, and unfortunately so have my nightmares. How does one balance feelings so euphoric as well as those that create a dull lingering pain? I guess I am wondering how can all the pain carry on with all the beauty that should induce only a state close to that of warmth and happiness. But all I know is that I want to dream that everything is fine, and I am fine. Most of the time I am, but the other times are what seem to make the deepest cut lately. I need to find peace.

The All Humiliation Network

So I have to say that if this weekend was a circus (which it was), then I am most definitley Bozo the clown. I proceeded to humiliate myself (with the aid of others) at an alarming rate, and now I have felt consistently stupid for the last 48 hrs. What I find weird is that maybe a couple hours ago I realized I maybe need to just blow off that stupid feeling and learn to chill out. So what that he doesn't like me and I found out after someone else asked him out texting as me, and so what that I said things to people that I shouldn't have that I may very well pay for later, and so what that I desecrated the Toast bar with my vomit. It may very well come back to haunt me, but im hoping it won't if I don't let it.
Peace
new leaf for new years...right

Where am I...I lost myself

Worrying about stuff that is beyond your control is something that consumes large portions. I used to be a great daydreamer...so lost in thoughts. Now I escape daydreaming to be part of the focused individual group known as adults. How mundane.
The dreamworld that I created was the best, but I am going to say this one is not close for comparison. Working, writing papers, doing things for people who should be able to do it themselves, and my enjoyments are in running errands and a sweet little moo cow.

Cars are safe havens, because you can leave and be alone. The problem is you have to return, which I don't want to do most of the time. I mean who would when you have escape, blaring music, and peace all of which I have found to be a cure for numbness.

That and my moo cow. I have never felt so much love for someone. Its the weirdest, but best high in life. He's the only reason why I want to come home ever.

I am going to miss his first Halloween because of inventory at work...my feelings of intense dislike for my job are increasing. Along with other people & things, work has become one of the drainers in my life. Nothing is ever good there. I understand there should be a limitless achievement point, but you have to be fucken kidding me that it is reasonable to constantly be ragging on someone when most things are good, and a lot better than before.

Although I guess it is all my fault for being a walking doormat half the time

Paella of Thoughts

I really just feel like I am in a minor life rut. Things aren't so bad I just want to bang my head against the wall, but things aren't so great that I'm belting out show tunes.
I just think stress is getting the better of me, as well as general weirdness.
Last week I had a bunch of things I had to get done for nursing involving poking into my arms. While I was leaving the school health center I wondered if I was missing the whole "college experience", but then I almost got run over while walking across the x-walk. I figured quickly there was a reason I left the first time.
Then I waited in my diabetic drs office for forty minutes without being seen, and decided enough of waiting so got up and told the receptionist while fighting back tears of anger I had to leave for a tb test result. While this was true I have no idea why I was crying...I mean I wasn't that pissed (hormone was my conclusion the day later if you get my drift).
Today I find out that my big boss is coming for an evaluation tomorrow, which means I feel screwed.
Ironically as well as I tighten my diabetes control and take my insulin consistently so then my weight creeps up. As my weight creeps up so does my insulin resistance, and then I need to take more insulin, and then I gain more weight.
I recently heard this saying after seeing it online (one of those stupid word shortened saying things those hip kids say now)...anyways fml....fuck my life
I would like to emphasize....FUCK MY LIFE
Besides that I am doing great
..................................................

I will say amist the crap piles known as my existance (I can lay the self pity on thick on my own blog right?) that at least I have my little moo, and my friends....

This is the most randon post ever......

I went to my friend's mother's funeral and realized how much I fucking hate a lot...
Maybe that's why I don't beleive... how can I beleive in someone who lets so much pain be felt...to his/her own "children"....and if it's to teach us a lesson for someone elses sin...hows that right...im supposed to pay for someonelses fuck up...and im not learning from the pain...im just becoming more demented and fucked up.....

And if its an all mighty power why don't they fix things...what are they too busy playing golf?
I just don't fucking get it...

Anyways my friend asked me how I coped when my dad died....she asked me so she could hope to help herself....I didn't know what to say...I told her it would be different because I was young when he passed...
but really,
I don't think I ever coped in a way I would advertise for others....I became angry, indulgent, forgetful, and voided...I shut myself off for years....

I thought about this and realized I couldn't tell her this...
It hurt...It really fucking hurt to watch my friend cry while the minister spoke about her mother...and know how much pain she was in...it physically fucken hurts...

There is me in a bad mood for the last two weeks sorry

Whatnot

So, i've been reading H.p. Lovecraft short stories...way the fucked up...i have had nightmares everynight so far that I've read a story...but continue to read on in fascination:) The Outsider has been my favorite so far...

life is crazy hectic...im just keeping my head above water to keep from drowning

the baby is beautiful, perfect, and sweet (in case anyone is curious). His status is a consistent one...he eats, poops, and sleeps between/during the other two functions.

getting kind of frustrated with work...can't wait to start nursing...retail and/or managment is not where I would like to reside I have learned...it's my motivation to do well in school...which is altogether a lot of work while being my down time lately....

i can't wait to actually have a life soon as well (hopefully) I need to do something fun or i may implode:(

And while I like someone who has more interest in the cosmos I have realized that regardless of liking anyone at this point I wouldn't have time for another human being anyways...seeing as I sleep an average of five hours a night and have to negotiate those five hours sometimes in favor of homework....

But altogether its ok...im pretty sure...all my friends and fam make things way better...

As far as val. day goes hope everyone has the day they are looking for... and i prefer st.francis of assisi

ask me about thanksgiving...hehe

turn the big numba this year...i think we should go dancing

Pond Muck

Since I am almost entirely egocentric...I will write about how I feel once again...

I am confused...I think it is such a bummer that you can't know what someone else is thinking/feeling...

So I asked for a little advice from someone today and then they told me that they and their sidekick (thing 1 and thing 2 I shall call them) said that I have no confidence with guys. I probably shouldn't snoop more but then I felt bad...and the answer got worse...

So thing 1 tells me that thing 2 knows the ex of the guy I like and sort of had a thing with her while she was with the guy I like...great...so then stupid me I ask if that girl was pretty...thing 1 said that thing 2 said I was a step above the ex....and that sufficed for a moment....

Until...I questioned what I was a step above...I don't want to be just a step above a troll...it's all so relative...:(

So to thing 1 and thing 2 being a step above pond muck is not my idea of happiness...next time you discuss me don't bother...

To those that feel I asked for it by prying....I agree...but cannot help that I am a dummy....

In twenty years....will dinosaurs exist

I had this strange epiphany today...I feel old
So before I get an eyeroll...I do realize I am not actually old...it's just because recently a number of important things have changed in my life, and they involve me packing on a whole lot of responsibility...Then I got anxiety over what if this is going to continue and I have plateaued and this is it...because I want so much more...mostly emotionally...so then there was anxiety...

until I realized that I am being ridiculous because I am young and I have so many chances ahead of me (I hope)...also that I shouldn't limit myself

I opened my eyes a little...because I realized that despite that sarcastic routine I put on that I really do want quality relationships (be it friends or romantic) and that maybe I should put in a little more effort...like calling people back and not blowing off people...

maybe that will be my new year's resolution...