The All Humiliation Network

So I have to say that if this weekend was a circus (which it was), then I am most definitley Bozo the clown. I proceeded to humiliate myself (with the aid of others) at an alarming rate, and now I have felt consistently stupid for the last 48 hrs. What I find weird is that maybe a couple hours ago I realized I maybe need to just blow off that stupid feeling and learn to chill out. So what that he doesn't like me and I found out after someone else asked him out texting as me, and so what that I said things to people that I shouldn't have that I may very well pay for later, and so what that I desecrated the Toast bar with my vomit. It may very well come back to haunt me, but im hoping it won't if I don't let it.
Peace
new leaf for new years...right

To my peeps...

It makes me sad that some of my friends told me that they feel a similar sadness as my last post.
To you guys I just want to say i hope everything gets better, and love you.

Where am I...I lost myself

Worrying about stuff that is beyond your control is something that consumes large portions. I used to be a great daydreamer...so lost in thoughts. Now I escape daydreaming to be part of the focused individual group known as adults. How mundane.
The dreamworld that I created was the best, but I am going to say this one is not close for comparison. Working, writing papers, doing things for people who should be able to do it themselves, and my enjoyments are in running errands and a sweet little moo cow.

Cars are safe havens, because you can leave and be alone. The problem is you have to return, which I don't want to do most of the time. I mean who would when you have escape, blaring music, and peace all of which I have found to be a cure for numbness.

That and my moo cow. I have never felt so much love for someone. Its the weirdest, but best high in life. He's the only reason why I want to come home ever.

I am going to miss his first Halloween because of inventory at work...my feelings of intense dislike for my job are increasing. Along with other people & things, work has become one of the drainers in my life. Nothing is ever good there. I understand there should be a limitless achievement point, but you have to be fucken kidding me that it is reasonable to constantly be ragging on someone when most things are good, and a lot better than before.

Although I guess it is all my fault for being a walking doormat half the time

What a dumbass motherfuckin moron

I think that as far as discretion goes I normally do ok. Often I say more than a reserved person might say, but I tend not to be a complete blabbermouth. There is a reason why I filter...a good reason. When I go against my norm and say things better kept inside my noggin...I make an ass of myself. So New Years Resolution (i have one now) is to shut up. Stop saying stupid shit.

If only I could....

And when I think about I ought to stop throwing my dumbass self under the bus in other ways...

Last driving idea would be to find and destroy mah johng set (a little aggressive therapy)

Paella of Thoughts

I really just feel like I am in a minor life rut. Things aren't so bad I just want to bang my head against the wall, but things aren't so great that I'm belting out show tunes.
I just think stress is getting the better of me, as well as general weirdness.
Last week I had a bunch of things I had to get done for nursing involving poking into my arms. While I was leaving the school health center I wondered if I was missing the whole "college experience", but then I almost got run over while walking across the x-walk. I figured quickly there was a reason I left the first time.
Then I waited in my diabetic drs office for forty minutes without being seen, and decided enough of waiting so got up and told the receptionist while fighting back tears of anger I had to leave for a tb test result. While this was true I have no idea why I was crying...I mean I wasn't that pissed (hormone was my conclusion the day later if you get my drift).
Today I find out that my big boss is coming for an evaluation tomorrow, which means I feel screwed.
Ironically as well as I tighten my diabetes control and take my insulin consistently so then my weight creeps up. As my weight creeps up so does my insulin resistance, and then I need to take more insulin, and then I gain more weight.
I recently heard this saying after seeing it online (one of those stupid word shortened saying things those hip kids say now)...anyways fml....fuck my life
I would like to emphasize....FUCK MY LIFE
Besides that I am doing great
..................................................

I will say amist the crap piles known as my existance (I can lay the self pity on thick on my own blog right?) that at least I have my little moo, and my friends....

This is the most randon post ever......

I went to my friend's mother's funeral and realized how much I fucking hate a lot...
Maybe that's why I don't beleive... how can I beleive in someone who lets so much pain be felt...to his/her own "children"....and if it's to teach us a lesson for someone elses sin...hows that right...im supposed to pay for someonelses fuck up...and im not learning from the pain...im just becoming more demented and fucked up.....

And if its an all mighty power why don't they fix things...what are they too busy playing golf?
I just don't fucking get it...

Anyways my friend asked me how I coped when my dad died....she asked me so she could hope to help herself....I didn't know what to say...I told her it would be different because I was young when he passed...
but really,
I don't think I ever coped in a way I would advertise for others....I became angry, indulgent, forgetful, and voided...I shut myself off for years....

I thought about this and realized I couldn't tell her this...
It hurt...It really fucking hurt to watch my friend cry while the minister spoke about her mother...and know how much pain she was in...it physically fucken hurts...

There is me in a bad mood for the last two weeks sorry

Locating Frankenstein's Brain

Ok so I have this nephew that is four months old...love of my life.
Anyways we watch the Disney Channel together, and lately I have become obsessed with this show Phineas and Ferb. Obsessed would be an understatement. So why would a twentysome girl be interested in a kids show...let me provide my data for reasoning.....

"Follow up single? Who do you think we are? Some two-bit hack who will keep writing new songs just because you'll pay us obscene amounts of cash!? Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder! Good day to you, sir!" ~Phineas

"Look! They've started their own overpriced coffee franchise! That's so '90s." ~Phineas

Plus they have a pet platypus named Perry who is really a secret agent....it is pretty awesome....and Dr.Doofensmirtz the crazy nemesis that could provide an interesting analysis by Freud if he was still available for it.

And they always have these fun loving schemes like starting a one-hit wonder band or building a army of robots that either work or DANCE.....:)

I love it...

bonjour monsieur

I just wanted to say that i love baby orangutans. I found this guy on zooborns.com a great site a coworker told me about.

I also feel like this at work lately....

Little Miss Spunk

Last night I was spending some time with my lovely nephew who has discovered his left hand/fingers. He stares at his fist and then starts putting his pointer and thumb together. He laughs so much....I love it...it breaks my heart.
Then he started to kick his legs out at me...was funny he laughed....i think I'm in love with the lil guy....my moo cow is what I call him...he loves it..I love him...end of story really

Feelin good....think im getting over my crush which is good..yea things are good

You've gone and pissed me off

I really dislike when people pigeon-hole me, and when they are wrong. I may be young but besides a lack of wrinklies and still having perky boobs (i'll say it) I am not undecisive about what i want. In fact I am one of those people who gets dead set because they know what they want. If some idiot (who I unfortunatley find completely endearing) wants to think that I don't know what I want because I am only 20 then all I have to say is...sorry bud your fucking loss (not to sound into myself). And just because every other girl you went out with was younger than you turned out to be a major cunt (I said one of my most hated words) doesn't mean I am just because I am young like them. I think besides a case of natural flakiness that I am really together, and I think it's unfair to label me like these other girls. But why should I have to sell this idea anyways...you moron?

Oh and yea I did think the super tall customer was handsome beyond belief, but I don't like him. I like the moron in front of me...I should know better.

mr. man

Today i gave my sweet little cupcake of a nephew his first bath (with the assistance of my mother of course...this is the first time Ive done something like that). Squigs did not necessarily dig the bathtime idea...until I held his hand in mine while I sponged him down with the other (lil ole man style haha). He stopped crying when he knew I was there (Id like to think that was the reason he stopped).

Anywho we have been spending the day together and I can't believe how much I love the lil guy. It's pretty funny too...we have this contraption that basically ties the baby to you and hes in it, and he loves it. Since hes only like 8 lbs I am going to say I like having him tied to me (hes warm:), although I may not like this when he is heavier.

Being an aunt is fun...I think I wanna keep this job forever:)

Whatnot

So, i've been reading H.p. Lovecraft short stories...way the fucked up...i have had nightmares everynight so far that I've read a story...but continue to read on in fascination:) The Outsider has been my favorite so far...

life is crazy hectic...im just keeping my head above water to keep from drowning

the baby is beautiful, perfect, and sweet (in case anyone is curious). His status is a consistent one...he eats, poops, and sleeps between/during the other two functions.

getting kind of frustrated with work...can't wait to start nursing...retail and/or managment is not where I would like to reside I have learned...it's my motivation to do well in school...which is altogether a lot of work while being my down time lately....

i can't wait to actually have a life soon as well (hopefully) I need to do something fun or i may implode:(

And while I like someone who has more interest in the cosmos I have realized that regardless of liking anyone at this point I wouldn't have time for another human being anyways...seeing as I sleep an average of five hours a night and have to negotiate those five hours sometimes in favor of homework....

But altogether its ok...im pretty sure...all my friends and fam make things way better...

As far as val. day goes hope everyone has the day they are looking for... and i prefer st.francis of assisi

ask me about thanksgiving...hehe

turn the big numba this year...i think we should go dancing

Auntie Me

I just wanted to say yay because I am going to be an auntie soon...so yay because it could happen anytime:)