A scene that can't be painted by words

The other day during my first clinical (at an elementary school) I was lucky enough to have time to just chill. I was just supposed to meet up with the kid who I am doing a health history & assessment, so I go into the cafeteria to spend time with him during lunch. First off, I am so lucky in many aspects in my life right now. Despite having a history as a cynic I have been surprising myself lately, because it seems that everyday now I am either thinking about how thankful I am for all the good things in my life or verbalizing it. Anyways, getting back to the first thought I am pretty lucky because the kid who I was assigned is totally this super chill, and nice kid. During lunch I had like the most relaxing moment in a while. All the kids were super friendly, funny, and all around awesome. I had only briefly met them the week before, but they acted like I was an old friend. We played UNO, and joked around, and while I am not twelve years old, and have to represent the school in a professional manner it was probably one of those moments where I too almost acted like a twelve year old and to my classmates seemed like a overgrown child. What I really took from it was that I definitely want to work in a field where I can help children. I seem to understand them better, empathize on a greater level with their feelings, and also I feel more comfortable communicating with kids. A weird statement from the person who over the years has been very off and on about having children, and possibly could be quoted by numerous people stating "If I have kids, when they are teenagers I am shipping them to a boarding school in Switzerland". It gave me a really warm feeling to feel so sure about wanting to work with kids, just within the last couple weeks I was doubting my ability to ever be a good nurse, but when I walked out of clinical the other day I KNEW deep down that I want to be a great nurse and I can be, and then the best feeling of I have found where I belong in my career (in the sense of I know who I can help now, and where I can make an impact). It's odd because over the last couple weeks I have had moments occur like this in other aspects of my life. I know where I belong. I know where I can do good. I know who I belong with. Warmth, joy, and much thankfulness.

Dream, Dream, Dream...And I want you

So much has happened, and my life feels like a whirlwind. It's like my dreams have become reality, and unfortunately so have my nightmares. How does one balance feelings so euphoric as well as those that create a dull lingering pain? I guess I am wondering how can all the pain carry on with all the beauty that should induce only a state close to that of warmth and happiness. But all I know is that I want to dream that everything is fine, and I am fine. Most of the time I am, but the other times are what seem to make the deepest cut lately. I need to find peace.

The All Humiliation Network

So I have to say that if this weekend was a circus (which it was), then I am most definitley Bozo the clown. I proceeded to humiliate myself (with the aid of others) at an alarming rate, and now I have felt consistently stupid for the last 48 hrs. What I find weird is that maybe a couple hours ago I realized I maybe need to just blow off that stupid feeling and learn to chill out. So what that he doesn't like me and I found out after someone else asked him out texting as me, and so what that I said things to people that I shouldn't have that I may very well pay for later, and so what that I desecrated the Toast bar with my vomit. It may very well come back to haunt me, but im hoping it won't if I don't let it.
Peace
new leaf for new years...right

Paella of Thoughts

I really just feel like I am in a minor life rut. Things aren't so bad I just want to bang my head against the wall, but things aren't so great that I'm belting out show tunes.
I just think stress is getting the better of me, as well as general weirdness.
Last week I had a bunch of things I had to get done for nursing involving poking into my arms. While I was leaving the school health center I wondered if I was missing the whole "college experience", but then I almost got run over while walking across the x-walk. I figured quickly there was a reason I left the first time.
Then I waited in my diabetic drs office for forty minutes without being seen, and decided enough of waiting so got up and told the receptionist while fighting back tears of anger I had to leave for a tb test result. While this was true I have no idea why I was crying...I mean I wasn't that pissed (hormone was my conclusion the day later if you get my drift).
Today I find out that my big boss is coming for an evaluation tomorrow, which means I feel screwed.
Ironically as well as I tighten my diabetes control and take my insulin consistently so then my weight creeps up. As my weight creeps up so does my insulin resistance, and then I need to take more insulin, and then I gain more weight.
I recently heard this saying after seeing it online (one of those stupid word shortened saying things those hip kids say now)...anyways fml....fuck my life
I would like to emphasize....FUCK MY LIFE
Besides that I am doing great
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I will say amist the crap piles known as my existance (I can lay the self pity on thick on my own blog right?) that at least I have my little moo, and my friends....

This is the most randon post ever......

I went to my friend's mother's funeral and realized how much I fucking hate a lot...
Maybe that's why I don't beleive... how can I beleive in someone who lets so much pain be felt...to his/her own "children"....and if it's to teach us a lesson for someone elses sin...hows that right...im supposed to pay for someonelses fuck up...and im not learning from the pain...im just becoming more demented and fucked up.....

And if its an all mighty power why don't they fix things...what are they too busy playing golf?
I just don't fucking get it...

Anyways my friend asked me how I coped when my dad died....she asked me so she could hope to help herself....I didn't know what to say...I told her it would be different because I was young when he passed...
but really,
I don't think I ever coped in a way I would advertise for others....I became angry, indulgent, forgetful, and voided...I shut myself off for years....

I thought about this and realized I couldn't tell her this...
It hurt...It really fucking hurt to watch my friend cry while the minister spoke about her mother...and know how much pain she was in...it physically fucken hurts...

There is me in a bad mood for the last two weeks sorry

bonjour monsieur

I just wanted to say that i love baby orangutans. I found this guy on zooborns.com a great site a coworker told me about.

I also feel like this at work lately....

Little Miss Spunk

Last night I was spending some time with my lovely nephew who has discovered his left hand/fingers. He stares at his fist and then starts putting his pointer and thumb together. He laughs so much....I love it...it breaks my heart.
Then he started to kick his legs out at me...was funny he laughed....i think I'm in love with the lil guy....my moo cow is what I call him...he loves it..I love him...end of story really

Feelin good....think im getting over my crush which is good..yea things are good

mr. man

Today i gave my sweet little cupcake of a nephew his first bath (with the assistance of my mother of course...this is the first time Ive done something like that). Squigs did not necessarily dig the bathtime idea...until I held his hand in mine while I sponged him down with the other (lil ole man style haha). He stopped crying when he knew I was there (Id like to think that was the reason he stopped).

Anywho we have been spending the day together and I can't believe how much I love the lil guy. It's pretty funny too...we have this contraption that basically ties the baby to you and hes in it, and he loves it. Since hes only like 8 lbs I am going to say I like having him tied to me (hes warm:), although I may not like this when he is heavier.

Being an aunt is fun...I think I wanna keep this job forever:)

I missed kindergarten

Sometimes I don't want to share, and I consider something mine in totality.

So when someone recently asked me (in an abrupt way) that I give them something that is all mine I got very defensive. In fact I started getting angry, yelled, and ran away. I felt it was an intrusion of my rights.

I did calm down and even though I don't want to share... compromised.

I decided to share not ALL, but some of my something...and I still don't like it.

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I would like to give a shout out to whoever lowered gas prices....muchas gracias...and may you have many sons...haha