A scene that can't be painted by words

The other day during my first clinical (at an elementary school) I was lucky enough to have time to just chill. I was just supposed to meet up with the kid who I am doing a health history & assessment, so I go into the cafeteria to spend time with him during lunch. First off, I am so lucky in many aspects in my life right now. Despite having a history as a cynic I have been surprising myself lately, because it seems that everyday now I am either thinking about how thankful I am for all the good things in my life or verbalizing it. Anyways, getting back to the first thought I am pretty lucky because the kid who I was assigned is totally this super chill, and nice kid. During lunch I had like the most relaxing moment in a while. All the kids were super friendly, funny, and all around awesome. I had only briefly met them the week before, but they acted like I was an old friend. We played UNO, and joked around, and while I am not twelve years old, and have to represent the school in a professional manner it was probably one of those moments where I too almost acted like a twelve year old and to my classmates seemed like a overgrown child. What I really took from it was that I definitely want to work in a field where I can help children. I seem to understand them better, empathize on a greater level with their feelings, and also I feel more comfortable communicating with kids. A weird statement from the person who over the years has been very off and on about having children, and possibly could be quoted by numerous people stating "If I have kids, when they are teenagers I am shipping them to a boarding school in Switzerland". It gave me a really warm feeling to feel so sure about wanting to work with kids, just within the last couple weeks I was doubting my ability to ever be a good nurse, but when I walked out of clinical the other day I KNEW deep down that I want to be a great nurse and I can be, and then the best feeling of I have found where I belong in my career (in the sense of I know who I can help now, and where I can make an impact). It's odd because over the last couple weeks I have had moments occur like this in other aspects of my life. I know where I belong. I know where I can do good. I know who I belong with. Warmth, joy, and much thankfulness.

me and that

there are a couple things i love about myself.....my blank loves your blank...take it for what it is.....and christ sakes fucking take it now...

Dream, Dream, Dream...And I want you

So much has happened, and my life feels like a whirlwind. It's like my dreams have become reality, and unfortunately so have my nightmares. How does one balance feelings so euphoric as well as those that create a dull lingering pain? I guess I am wondering how can all the pain carry on with all the beauty that should induce only a state close to that of warmth and happiness. But all I know is that I want to dream that everything is fine, and I am fine. Most of the time I am, but the other times are what seem to make the deepest cut lately. I need to find peace.

Doing What You Do

So....after moments where things got shitty I decided to step outside the normal comfort zone, and just do things that make me feel good (within reason). I never thought that I could enjoy that sort of view, but once again I was proven wrong. I stopped overthinking anything as much as I used to, and just let things go however they may. Good stuff....I suggest everyone at least try it

The All Humiliation Network

So I have to say that if this weekend was a circus (which it was), then I am most definitley Bozo the clown. I proceeded to humiliate myself (with the aid of others) at an alarming rate, and now I have felt consistently stupid for the last 48 hrs. What I find weird is that maybe a couple hours ago I realized I maybe need to just blow off that stupid feeling and learn to chill out. So what that he doesn't like me and I found out after someone else asked him out texting as me, and so what that I said things to people that I shouldn't have that I may very well pay for later, and so what that I desecrated the Toast bar with my vomit. It may very well come back to haunt me, but im hoping it won't if I don't let it.
Peace
new leaf for new years...right

To my peeps...

It makes me sad that some of my friends told me that they feel a similar sadness as my last post.
To you guys I just want to say i hope everything gets better, and love you.

Where am I...I lost myself

Worrying about stuff that is beyond your control is something that consumes large portions. I used to be a great daydreamer...so lost in thoughts. Now I escape daydreaming to be part of the focused individual group known as adults. How mundane.
The dreamworld that I created was the best, but I am going to say this one is not close for comparison. Working, writing papers, doing things for people who should be able to do it themselves, and my enjoyments are in running errands and a sweet little moo cow.

Cars are safe havens, because you can leave and be alone. The problem is you have to return, which I don't want to do most of the time. I mean who would when you have escape, blaring music, and peace all of which I have found to be a cure for numbness.

That and my moo cow. I have never felt so much love for someone. Its the weirdest, but best high in life. He's the only reason why I want to come home ever.

I am going to miss his first Halloween because of inventory at work...my feelings of intense dislike for my job are increasing. Along with other people & things, work has become one of the drainers in my life. Nothing is ever good there. I understand there should be a limitless achievement point, but you have to be fucken kidding me that it is reasonable to constantly be ragging on someone when most things are good, and a lot better than before.

Although I guess it is all my fault for being a walking doormat half the time